Thankful

Grief is definitely not linear. I could be smiling one moment and then the next the tears would flow uncontrollably. It hasn't been any easier and the pain is still very front and center. I have just been able to manage it and control my emotions better, especially in front of others. It still feels surreal at times and I have just been feeling so empty and numb. My heart hasn't felt whole since. 

I am so thankful for my boyfriend, friends and family who have been there for me. Who provided words of comfort and care. Who held me while I cried until my eyes were swollen. Who brought delicious food over to make sure I was eating. Who gifted me such sweet gifts to remember Mello by. I appreciate it so so much and am so thankful to have such supportive and caring people in my life. 

I am thankful that Gabe and I were there with Mello during his final moments. That we got to say goodbye. To tell him how much we love him. So thankful that we didn't leave for the airport yet to San Diego that day and he didn't pass away alone. I would never ever forgive myself if he passed away alone and in so much pain that day. I am glad that at least that didn't happen, that it could've ended a lot worse. Mello was surrounded by our love when he passed away peacefully. Thankful that he is no longer in so much pain.

Although cut way too short, I am thankful that I had him in my life for almost 3 years as my precious Mello Bear. I will forever cherish those precious memories with him.

I miss you so much Mello. I will forever love you. 

Happy 3 Years

Happy (what would have been) 3 Years Mello Bear. Today is your Gotcha Day. This day 3 years ago, we brought you home. I would've never imagined that we wouldn't even have 3 years together. Despite all the pain and sadness I feel every single day since your passing, I will never regret bringing you home. You brought me so much joy and comfort that words will never be able to express how much you truly mean to me. Although our time together was cut so very short, I will always cherish all the wonderful memories I had with you. You will always be my precious boy, forever and ever. I love and miss you so much.

I think it's okay if I'm a bit sad for the rest of my life. It will remind me that you were real.

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.
 

Mello Bear

It's been exactly two months since you crossed the rainbow bridge. I miss you so so so much. Life hasn't been the same without you and there's this huge void in my heart. It hurts so much. My heat does not feel whole anymore. Some days are better than others....it helps when I am distracted and busy, but the pain still remains. 

I miss you. I miss your company. I miss holding you. I miss kissing you. I miss your smell. I miss your paws. I miss your purrs. I miss giving you belly rubs. I miss I miss having you as my little shadow, following me everywhere. I miss petting you. I miss talking to you. I miss sleeping next to you. I miss napping with you. I miss stuffing my face into your belly. I miss dancing with you. I miss coming home and having you come down to greet me or waiting for me on top of the stairs. I miss brushing you. I miss watching you nap. I miss playing with you. I miss your huge jumps when you play. I miss you waking me up early in the morning to feed you. I miss watching as you run towards me when I feed you dinner. I miss calling you my big booty boy. I miss petting your big butt butt. I miss taking photos of you. I miss playing hide and seek with you, you always knew where to find me. I miss your gallop. I miss giving you chin scratches. I miss seeing you always hydrate yourself. I miss scooping your litter. I miss picking off your boogers. I miss you always trying to get into my closet even though you know you are not supposed to. I miss watching you sleep on the crochet/knitted sleeping pad I made for you. I miss your gentle and shyness. I miss how you always like to involve yourself and know when there's something new in the house. I miss your curiosity. I miss you sleeping by my feet. I miss you coming downstairs to keep me company. I miss you always running away when I am vacuuming. I miss you watching me make matcha in the morning. I miss watching you look out the window. I miss giving you your favorite treats. I miss you banjo-ing over for pets. I miss cutting your nails. I miss how you love the simple things like sleeping in a box rather than a fancy cushion bed. I miss everything about you. I miss you so much. 

You were honestly the best cat ever. The perfect cat for me. You meant the world to me. You weren't just a cat, you were so much more to me. You were my best friend, my baby, my biggest emotional support, my family. You loved me for me and accepted all my flaws. You made me appreciate the little things in life. You always managed to pull me out when my mind goes to a really dark place. You made my mental health more stable throughout these past few years. No matter how difficult life got, you were always there for me and comforted me. With you by my side, I knew I would be able to overcome anything. It hurts so much knowing that I have to go through life now without you by my side.

Our time together was cut too short, it is so unfair. You were so young still and was supposed to have many more years left. I thought I had way more time with you and I wished I did. If I could've, I would trade years of my life so that you would be able to live longer. You were supposed to be here when I got married, when I had kids...Some moments, it still feels so surreal that you are really gone. I see you everywhere in the house. I still find your furs in my clothes. 

I hope you are happy and loved, and have made lots of friends across the rainbow bridge. I hope it is filled with endless treats and nap time. I hope you haven't forgotten about me. 

I hope you know how much I still love you, always and forever. I will never ever forget you. 

I love you so much Mello Bear.