Happy 4th Birthday Mello Bear

You would've turned four today...

I miss and love you so so much.

Thankful

Grief is definitely not linear. I could be smiling one moment and then the next the tears would flow uncontrollably. It hasn't been any easier and the pain is still very front and center. I have just been able to manage it and control my emotions better, especially in front of others. It still feels surreal at times and I have just been feeling so empty and numb. My heart hasn't felt whole since. 

I am so thankful for my boyfriend, friends and family who have been there for me. Who provided words of comfort and care. Who held me while I cried until my eyes were swollen. Who brought delicious food over to make sure I was eating. Who gifted me such sweet gifts to remember Mello by. I appreciate it so so much and am so thankful to have such supportive and caring people in my life. 

I am thankful that Gabe and I were there with Mello during his final moments. That we got to say goodbye. To tell him how much we love him. So thankful that we didn't leave for the airport yet to San Diego that day and he didn't pass away alone. I would never ever forgive myself if he passed away alone and in so much pain that day. I am glad that at least that didn't happen, that it could've ended a lot worse. Mello was surrounded by our love when he passed away peacefully. Thankful that he is no longer in so much pain.

Although cut way too short, I am thankful that I had him in my life for almost 3 years as my precious Mello Bear. I will forever cherish those precious memories with him.

I miss you so much Mello. I will forever love you. 

Happy 3 Years

Happy (what would have been) 3 Years Mello Bear. Today is your Gotcha Day. This day 3 years ago, we brought you home. I would've never imagined that we wouldn't even have 3 years together. Despite all the pain and sadness I feel every single day since your passing, I will never regret bringing you home. You brought me so much joy and comfort that words will never be able to express how much you truly mean to me. Although our time together was cut so very short, I will always cherish all the wonderful memories I had with you. You will always be my precious boy, forever and ever. I love and miss you so much.

I think it's okay if I'm a bit sad for the rest of my life. It will remind me that you were real.

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.